“So Proud, yet So Quiet”: The Struggles of a Same-Sex Spouse

  • Published
  • By April Penny
  • American Military Partner Association
WRIGHT PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Ohio --  The repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' (DADT) touched my family in a very personal way. I watched my then, fiancé take the oath of enlistment and realize her childhood dream-- becoming a soldier. She had placed this dream on hold until after the repeal for the sake of our two small children. Then, after the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) fell in June of 2013, our marriage finally became federally recognized. I too realized a dream that had become mine-- the tremendous honor of being a military spouse.

Before DOMA fell, I felt invisible-- so proud yet so quiet. I was allowed to exist, but not be recognized. I drove eight hours from Ohio to Missouri to visit my wife at her first training station. Afraid I wouldn't be allowed to see her, I would tell the gate guards I was a cousin or a sister instead of her spouse. I worried excessively about what I would do if my wife was injured or became ill. I did not know how to contact her unit or reach anyone in case of an emergency. I had read news stories where loved ones were kept from their significant others when they needed them the most. I was not allowed to shop at the Exchange without my wife. I wasn't allowed to have a base identification card that would enable me to freely come and go from the base, so I was concerned about how to care for my children. I'd have to leave the base to get medicine if they became ill and without my wife to sponsor me back on, I could possibly be prevented from returning.

My family struggled with financial hardships as my wife did not receive the same compensation as other soldiers with a spouse and two children. The government recognized our son, to whom she gave birth, but not our daughter, to whom I gave birth. As an Army Reserve family with no home base and the female spouse of another female, I felt completely left to my own devices. There were no military family programs available to me.

On September 3, 2013, the Department of Defense extended same-sex military spouses the benefits available to all married military members. However, the transition was not smooth. In my state, I was denied (in probate court) the ability to take my wife's last name, after being granted a name change by federal government agencies. This decision was made because although my marriage is now recognized by the DoD, it is not recognized in the State of Ohio. This resulted in my inability to provide appropriate identifying documents to enroll in DEERS; federal government documents read my married name, but state documents read my maiden name. While this process has been expensive and frustrating to say the very least, I remember being exceptionally grateful that access to benefits was not dictated by our state of residence. Today, I still have inconsistent identification, but I was finally able to enroll in DEERS with the assistance of a support network of same-sex spouses called American Military Partner Association (AMPA - http://militarypartners.org/).

I discovered AMPA shortly after my wife enlisted while trying to search for military-sponsored family programs and support resources specific to our family. AMPA is a private online network that connects American military spouses from all over the world. When my wife was away on a base that I knew very little about, AMPA members provided navigation and local information. Upon joining AMPA, I immediately received both emotional support and practical assistance, from other spouses. Not only did I rely on them to help me cope with the stresses of being a military family, but the practical assistance helps with peace-of-mind regarding deployment information, etc.

Thanks to AMPA, my family had the experience of a lifetime when we attended the 2012 White House Easter Egg Roll, right after my wife returned home from training. It was a very important time for the four of us to reintegrate as a family. The support I've received through my AMPA family have helped me banish the "so proud but so quiet" feeling that plagued my first year as a military spouse.