Wingmen help couple with painful loss of child

  • Published
  • By Amy Rollins
  • Skywrighter Staff
WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Oh. --  Editor's note: Having the ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change is the definition of resilience, and that's something the Air Force wants all personnel to have as they deal with the stress that is part of their daily lives as they support the Air Force mission. A group of five certified Master Resilience Trainers at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base is training resilience training assistants so resilience courses may be offered across the installation. The training is incorporated into Professional Military Education, Airmen Leadership School (ALS), Wing-man Day and training for specific units and organizations.

The following profile features an Airman who exemplifies the training's identified resilience components: counting blessings; examining how one's brain reacts to an event; checking your playbook; balancing your thinking; instant-balancing your thinking; accomplishing goals; being mindful; drawing meaning from difficult situations; being spiritually resilient; being physically resilient; solving interpersonal problems; listening well; and responding in an active, constructive way.

Infertility, then an unimaginable loss

Jennifer Treat, community support coordinator for Headquarters Air Force Materiel Command, and her husband, Staff Sgt. Mark Treat, a medical administrator at U.S. Air Force School of Aerospace Medicine, have been married for 10½ years and struggled with infertility for five. They experienced several miscarriages and more than a dozen in vitro and artificial insemination procedures.

"We had decided it would be our last try at getting pregnant. We then found out Feb. 14, 2011, that we were pregnant," Treat said.

A normal pregnancy ensued. Treat was checked by a doctor Oct. 7; when she woke up the morning of Oct. 9 she felt something was wrong. The couple went to Wright-Patterson Medical Center (WPMC); no fetal heartbeat was detected. Treat delivered their perfect daughter, Grace Ann, at 38 weeks gestation the next day. Weighing 6 pounds, 2.5 oz., and 20 inches long, Grace looked like her father. An autopsy was performed and found to be inconclusive.

"We both have survived this by being open about it," Treat said. "We thought that battling the infertility, because it had lasted for so long, was so hard. I guess you don't realize things can get worse. ... We fortunately have a really strong relationship, and I think that is one of the only things that got us through that."

Their families came from states away to comfort and support the couple, with Treat's best friend driving from Columbus to be with her friend while she was in labor and to meet her namesake. 

The hospital staff handled it more exceptionally than I would have ever imagined," Treat said. "They really prompted us through everything. We were in such shock."

The staff called a nonprofit organization to take photos, dressed Grace and took her footprints. Later one of the nurses took the clothes home, washed them and returned them to the parents. Staff members also put together a little memory box.

Two weeks after Grace's death, a memorial service was held at Chapel 3.

"After we had her service, then what do you do?" Treat said. "You have a baby room; you've had a shower and the drawers of things are ready. ... We kept her room closed for about a month (after all the baby items in the house were stored in there)."

Treat stayed home and tele-worked part-time while she continued to physically heal.

"My husband realized I wasn't doing well emotionally. He encouraged me to get counseling -- services I am perfectly familiar with because I've been working in the people program business for the Air Force for 10 years. When it came to getting self-help, it was kind of an out-of-body experience," she said.

"We used Military One Source, and they found us a lo-cal counselor. I had a lot of presentment toward anyone I saw was pregnant or holding a baby -- I was very angry. The counselor told us those feelings were normal. She said we were at the expected stages of grief for losing a child. ... I think that was my turning point," she recalled.

Work becomes stressful, but wingmen step in

Treat said, "Apparently a lot of people had noticed I was pregnant. When I came back to work, I was approached by people I didn't know asking me questions, and that was unexpected. The work environment then became the most stressful environment for me," Treat said.

Two individuals in Treat's supportive work group stepped up and "ran interference" for her.

"My struggle was when people asked about our baby, I had to acknowledge that she died but I could see how uncomfortable it made people feel. I felt like I was always trying to buffer other people's feelings, which was part of my not healing initially. This happened for months, that people would say things to me. Every time your heart sinks, even though their comments are perfectly normal and they were trying to be kind. It was difficult," Treat acknowledged.

"When I talk to people about this experience and where resilience played in for me, absolutely I am stronger. Coming out of this, almost three years later, you see where you are at, and I know what got me through it. We talk about wing-men. I don't think civilians relate to the concept as much as military members do. ... The two coworkers I had truly became my wingmen, not just friends at work. They were the only way I got through a work day," she said.

The grief remains

The couple maintained a relationship with several of their care givers, and the nurses sent flowers on Grace's one-year birthday. Treat said she is amazed how fresh her grief stays. She added she didn't realize how much her husband wanted to be a father until he held Grace.

"It's no less hard than it was three years ago.

You never get over losing a child. You learn how to cope. We have three children, one passed away. We don't hide the fact that she was here. I would never want to.

"All she (Grace) had was the potential that we dreamt she had which is the hard part. And being our first, and waiting the amount of time we did, is where I think it really became difficult," she said.

The Treats dedicated a backyard garden to Grace and planted a tree, purchased with donations from coworkers. Jennifer threw herself into working on the garden and yard when spring 2012 came along.

Joy is here too

The thought of having another child was very scary, but the couple waited for several months before attempting to try again and discovered Memorial Day weekend 2012 they were pregnant with fraternal twin boys. They were thrilled but the pregnancy was high risk and stressful for Treat, knowing she had two lives to care for.

We had two that had to get here because one couldn't come without the other. My heart couldn't handle losing one; it was double the stress," she said.

After a normal pregnancy and lots of support from the high-risk maternal fetal medicine doctor on base, she chose to deliver before 38 weeks - twins are determined to be full-term at 37 weeks. Treat delivered at WPMC on Feb. 1, 2013. The doctor who had delivered Grace had requested to be present at the delivery.

She was there, which was very special," Treat said. "I can't express the amount of admiration you feel for somebody who went through that with us. She was so kind through the whole delivery with Grace and really cared. We were ecstatic to have her at the twins' delivery. Also, the nurses present when Grace died were again on duty. It all fell into place that weekend, which was huge. The care of the boys was phenomenal. They made sure the boys got here safely."

Sam and Jake are now 17-month-old rascals who blow duck calls with their dad, run around outside and climb all over. Jake resembles mom while Sam resembles dad. The family devotes one weekend day to "family fun" activities, but Grace is never not on the Treats' minds.

"Every time the boys go through a new phase, you think, 'Gosh, I wonder what she would have been doing now," she said.

A new perspective

"This all makes you put your words and thoughts into perspective," Treat said. "As a society we don't often think about what people have gone through and what their life experiences have been. You don't lose a child and then get two in return. It doesn't work that way. I would have Grace back in a heartbeat.

"I wish things were different, but Grace gave us the boys, is how I'm able to look at it."

Her wingmen have become Aunt Lynn and Uncle Jeff. They're involved in the boys' lives. One even rode with Treat to work every day to help get the boys in and out of daycare. The other babysits.

"They are not just my coworkers anymore, they are family," Treat added. She has been part of resilience training and has presented her story about Grace. She emphasizes the wingman aspect, she said.

"I didn't know I needed a wingman. Apparently I did," she acknowledged.

The mother of three said she's gained a stronger relationship with her husband.

"I think you can go one of two ways when something like this happens. You can either get stronger or pull apart. We dealt with it at the time differently because we are different people but had no resentment against the other. I blamed myself because I was the one carrying her and felt I did something wrong, but he did not. He really stepped into the strong role and took care of us and got us through."

The couple continues to talk about their daughter.

"The other day Mark put the 'Grace's Garden' sign up, coincidentally while I was going through pictures of her. We do that a lot. ... I think you learn as a military couple that you have to rely on each other when you don't have your family around. He was the only person who knew how I felt. We lost our child. He felt that hurt as deeply as I did. I'm glad it brought us closer."

Treat said finally, "We are spiritual people and I believe we will see Grace again. It gives me confidence we'll be together. She's our angel. I imagine that's how we'll explain it to the boys someday."