Parents of special needs child define resiliency Published June 24, 2016 By Amy Rollins Skywrighter Staff WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Ohio -- Editor's note: Having the ability to recover from or adjust to misfortune or change is the definition of resilience, and that's something the Air Force wants all personnel to have as they deal with the stress that is part of their daily lives as they support the Air Force mission. Resilience training is incorporated into Professional Military Education, Airmen Leadership School and Wingman Day and presented to specific units and organizations. The following profile features Airmen who exemplify the training's identified resilience components: counting blessings; examining how one's brain reacts to an event; checking your playbook; balancing your thinking; instant-balancing your thinking; accomplishing goals; being mindful; drawing meaning from difficult situations; being spiritually resilient; being physically resilient; solving interpersonal problems; listening well; and responding in an active, constructive way. Master Sgt. Dustin and Sarah Dallis have developed a strong approach to becoming and remaining resilient. For that, they give each other credit. Dustin is the superintendent of the Commander's Action Group, Air Force Materiel Command, working directly for Gen. Ellen Pawlikowski. Sarah is the civilian court reporter for the Office of the Staff Judge Advocate, 88th Air Base Wing, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. They are the parents of daughters Ellie, 5½, and Liberty, 3½. Dusty also has a son, Dylan, 12. The couple met and married while stationed at Tyndall AFB, Florida, in 2010. Ellie was born later that year with two birth defects: optic nerve hypoplasia, which involves blindness, hormonal deficiencies, global delays, feeding issues, difficulties with sodium levels, autistic tendencies and other challenges; and gastroschisis, a defect of the abdominal wall in which the baby's intestines protrude outside the body through a hole next to the navel. That was repaired via surgery, and Ellie spent a month in the neonatal intensive care unit as the parents learned she was blind and had other issues. Sarah had been an active-duty paralegal for 10½ years but chose to leave the military because of their daughter's medical issues. The family permanently changed station to Wright-Patterson Air Force Base when Ellie was 1 because of its Exceptional Family Member Program (EFMP) and the medical specialties the baby needed for her optimal development. "This base has been a blessing for us," Dusty said. "We have a great support structure here." The Dallises also benefit from Dusty's training as a master resilience trainer (MRT). "I think it was one of the best trainings in the Air Force," he said. "Training other folks is one thing; then trying to apply those skills you've learned to yourself and your own family setting sometimes is challenging, but the components are always there." Using each of the four pillars of resilience - physical, social, mental and spiritual - is necessary for balance, he added. The Dallises agree that their "resiliency story" began in earnest when Dusty was deployed to Afghanistan, and Sarah and a 4-month-old Ellie were at home in Panama City, near Tyndall AFB. Ellie developed respiratory syncytial virus and had to be put on life support as she started to fail. Dusty was given a Red Cross letter to go home; when he arrived, Ellie had started improving. "With Ellie, it started from the get-go," he recalled. "We didn't have a choice. We had to learn how to overcome each barrier that was thrown at us each day. Nothing was easy." "It's still not easy," Sarah added. "That's why we have to make a conscious effort to take time for ourselves to be able to connect with each other socially and stay in that domain of resiliency," Dusty said. Fitness, respite care key Dusty and Sarah rely on physical fitness to be able to handle the demands of their family life. She runs, and he likes to do high-intensity training. They hope to bike together soon. Respite care provided by the EFMP has been huge for the couple. With Sarah's job requiring her to travel occasionally and Dusty's high-tempo job, being together as husband and wife and workout buddies is at a premium. "We have a (respite) provider who has built a relationship with Ellie - and Liberty - so we trust them to care for the girls while Sarah and I connect again," Dusty said. Sarah added that respite care provided while Dusty was deployed to Honduras made a phenomenal difference to her. She was working on earning her bachelor's degree and needed time to do school work. Liberty had just been born, too. Faith, nature help One upside of Dusty's Honduran deployment was he had time to go to church and practice his faith regularly. "It really strengthened my spiritual domain," he said. Being in nature, as when he's outdoors during hunting season, also helps ground him. Sarah finds her strength in the knowledge "no matter what happens, it will work out because that's the way it has always gone," she said. Gardening in the raised beds her husband recently constructed for her helps keep her head clear, her husband pointed out. Counting blessings Dusty acknowledges that even as an MRT, he struggles with counting his blessings and needs to utilize the skills he teaches. He sweetly said Sarah is his guiding light when it comes to being optimistic. "She constantly reminds me of the positive and seeing the silver lining. She's my voice of reason. She always says, 'Just be thankful for - '," he said. She thanked him for reminding her of what needs to be addressed and accomplished. They laughed about which daughter is more challenging -- he said it's Ellie; she said it's Liberty because as a typical 3-year-old, she wants to be played with constantly. Sarah said she tries to find activities that can engage both girls at the same time. They are delighted to see the progress Ellie has made, now eating pureed food and preparing to enter kindergarten this fall. Both girls have attended United Rehabilitation Services for years, Ellie for its many services and therapies and Liberty for typical child day care. "We're more than comfortable with their ability to take care of Ellie and Liberty. They come into the classroom to give Ellie her therapies, or pull her out to work with her. ... That's been so valuable in allowing us to remain focused on our jobs," Sarah said. Advice for other EFMP families? Connecting socially with families with typical children and those with special needs children is important, Dusty advised. "Make sure you stay connected," he said. "You'll be able to share similar experiences and advise each other of resources. You'll feel like you're not the only one." Sarah pointed out that families with special needs children appreciate people's excitement over them reaching another milestone. "They'll realize how exciting something as simple as taking off a shirt is," she said. "Sometimes it's hard to go out in public or to support groups because you are concerned about meltdowns, diaper changes, making sure you packed the drinks or food or medication; connecting even on social media is invaluable," Sarah said. "I have developed lifelong friends who have helped me get through the bad times and I have helped them through theirs. Being a special needs family is sometimes isolating, so connecting with someone who knows your situation is very important." The Dallises don't ask people to feel sorry for them, they said. Instead, they try to treat people with compassion when they don't understand what it is like to have a child with special needs. "To us, it's a blessing," Dusty said. "Ellie is amazing. The fact that she is blind is not worth apologizing for. She's going to discover things that ordinary people may miss, and we are learning so much from her," Sarah said. She emphasized that it's OK for parents of children with special needs to feel angry and hurt. Dusty countered with, "Remember that every child has his or her own story and path in life. Celebrate every accomplishment just as you would a typical, normal child, because they are your typical, normal child." "Also, remember that you are not alone," he continued. "There is somebody somewhere who can help. Be willing to reach out and tell your story so people know you need help." Respond in an active, constructive way When it comes to tough times, Dusty's MRT training kicks in. "What is your purpose in life when you hit adversity or crisis?" he said. "Our purpose is, we're the parents who are supposed to have Ellie. ... Nobody else was. We can do anything together. We can overcome any obstacle. We're supposed to be in the situation we're in. That's the outlook we have to have. We're still learning throughout this process. But we have been able to do whatever we have wanted to do -- just on our own timeline." "We're a team. Where I fail, he succeeds and vice versa," Sarah finished. "We stay focused on the future and living in the present." "We bounce back," Dusty said. "Nothing has stopped us."