Embrace the Messy: Resilience in Practice

Published July 17, 2024
By Christopher Warner
88th Air Base Wing Public Affairs

A man and woman take a photo together during a ceremony. — Christopher Warner, 88th Air Base Wing Public Affairs Office deputy and operations chief, and his wife, Latasha Warner, pose for a photo during the 88 ABW Annual Awards ceremony, Feb. 9, 2024, at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base, Ohio. Christopher received the Category III Civilian of the Year award. (Contributed photo)

WRIGHT-PATTERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Ohio - In recent years, resilience has become a buzzword that fosters the ability to be strong and put on a front or facade. Still, I would strongly argue from my experiences that resilience is being vulnerable because being vulnerable equals strength.

I feel that this is why so many people struggle in silence and then succumb to those stressors in various destructive ways. I want to offer a reframing of resilience through a recent tough life experience my wife, and I are going through.

So here is my assessment: Life is messy. That's it; it is simply messy.

It doesn't matter your gender, background, education, family, career, or religion. It is messy, but it is beautifully messy. The mess is what makes it worth it. Messy is what makes goals achieved, dreams realized, challenges overcome, or lessons learned worth it.

Nothing worth anything is worth anything without working for it.

I believe this is where resilience meets practicality in life. Without those messy moments, we wouldn't have contrast and comparison to weigh the good versus evil. Without that messiness, we wouldn’t know what it feels like to lose or win.

Messy is important. It is necessary. It is paramount to our growth as humans, friends, colleagues, spouses, and parents. It is life's way of continuing our education and development to teach us how to be better. The key is to understand you are going to take that class whether you want to or not. To conquer the mess, you have to embrace it and understand it.

I have had my share of messiness and lessons as a U.S. Army Soldier in combat, father, husband, and leader. But I can tell you every lesson I have learned has come at the cost of paying with my emotions and sometimes my sanity. Those positive life lessons were only achieved through resilience in the practice of applying it to life to learn the lesson and reflect upon why I went through it. Reflection is key to growth.

A man and woman take a photo together outside the Cleveland Clinic building. — Christopher Warner, 88th Air Base Wing Public Affairs Office deputy and operations chief, and his wife, Latasha Warner, take a photo together outside of the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio. Latasha received a life-saving double lung and heart transplant July 1, 2024, at the clinic. (Contributed photo)

A recent lesson I have learned is that the fear of the unknown can only be overcome by allowing yourself to live in the moment, take things hour by hour, and not dwell on the future’s unknown outcomes.

Recently, my wife and best friend, Latasha, underwent a life-saving double lung and heart transplant at Cleveland Clinic on July 1, 2024. The journey to get here was filled with so many ups and downs. So many fears and tears. So many unknowns. I struggled with this silently and, at times, felt lost in the fear of losing my best friend to something that wasn't real. I very rarely shared those fears with my wife for fear of upsetting her and letting her see me feeling vulnerable. The fear and anxiety were palpable and sometimes debilitating.

It robbed me of the joy of the moment and in hindsight was selfish and stupid. What if I didn't get a second chance at new memories? It was time wasted on something I had no control over. The hubris of that is embarrassing and silly. Another lesson learned.

I took resolve in my wife’s unbelievable courage and resolve not to give up and have a better future to achieve unrealized dreams and goals. There is power in hope. There is power in recognizing true strength in facing adversity; that is resilience.

A man and woman take a photo together in a hospital room. — Christopher Warner, 88th Air Base Wing Public Affairs Office deputy and operations chief, and his wife, Latasha Warner, take a photo together in a hospital room prior to an operation at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, July 1, 2024. Latasha received a life-saving double lung and heart transplant during her surgery. (Contributed photo)

I believe that both my wife's and my real-life examples of resilience in overcoming depression, fear, sadness, and medical peril are lessons I want to share with others. It is a lesson of battling fear like a fierce warrior and not cowering in the face of the unknown.

The other lesson from this experience is that letting people in is hard but necessary. My wife and I are very private people, and to successfully go on this journey and embrace resilience, we had to let people in. Mainly, I had to be vulnerable to weakness when I had to focus on myself and the current problem.

As a leader and warrior, I didn't want to be in that spot, but I had to be there to allow myself the time and space to live in the moment, learn the lessons I needed to know and solve the problems ahead of me.

Resilience isn't just a buzzword. It is a way of viewing a problem, an attitude to prevent giving in to emotions, framing the problem and adversity so that solutions are seen, and simply a mantra of understanding that life is messy.

As leaders, we must be strong for others and servants to those around us. But occasionally, we must take a knee and be open to receiving help to fill our cups back to the top to pour into others again.

The lesson I take from and share from this entire experience is that mere humility isn't enough. Being able to admit that we all fall, that it's okay to fall, and accept life is sometimes messy and complicated. And then lean on those around us to get up and heal to fight again.

Resilience in practice is embracing the unknown, facing it head-on with your tribe, and not letting the dark overshadow the light.

I ask that anyone facing adversity or messiness lean on those around them, find someone to share the scare with and allow themselves the time to have their messy moment and then learn from it.

Do not face it alone. It may seem the easiest thing to do, but it is not.